Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (6/10)

December 23rd, 2011

Santa really does know if you’ve been naughty or nice, it seems, and he’d much rather you were the former. That way, he’ll have no compunction about whisking you off for eternity. That, at least, was how it used to be back in days of yore. Luckily, those clever Finns captured the horrific Santa Claus and buried him under a mountain, never to return. What’s that, you say? Modern-day Americans are drilling the mountain? Oh, sh...

Finland, where reindeer are sport, food and currency. The villagers queue up to hunt the furry ones as they come over the hill in their annual wander down the mountain – but where are they? All dead, that’s where, their carcasses turning the snow blood-red over yonder near the mountain. What could have done it? Wolves, muses Rauno, and goes off to dig an illegal wolf pit, its hidden spikes just made for puncturing. Rauno’s son, an avid reader of gothic history, suggests otherwise. Evil Santa, an Old Testament type Santa (if there were such a thing), the one who administers thrashings, takes toys rather than gives them and runs off with the bad ones, that’s who it is.

Pietari (Onni Tommia) is idly pissing against a fence when he notices – Dad! The wolf pit bait’s gone! – but the contents of the trap prove not to contain anything lupine. Instead, pierced and punctured, there is an old man with a white beard. And he isn’t dead. At about the same time, the villagers are robbed of their radiators, their stoves and their hairdryers. What on earth could need thawing that badly?

A Christmas tale for people who don’t like Christmas, Rare Exports has its origins in two short films written and directed, as here, by Jalmari Helander that explained how Santa manages to get all the way around the world in one night. Watch and all will be revealed. The problem with short stories, though, is that they need to be padded out to make an entire full-length film and the stuffing here is pretty obvious. The film lulls and lolls about as it takes us on our sinister journey, with each (remarkably few, actually) piece of comedy/horror action some ways apart. Having said that, there’s still a touch of class about the whole thing as Helander places his tongue firmly in his cheek, nodding at both convention and tradition - whilst subtly snickering at them both at the same time. Finnish humour is dead-pan at the best of times; here it’s as straight-faced as a Mika Hakkinen interview.

Watch Rare Exports and you’ll never think of Santa’s little helpers the same way again. Forget your cuddly Dudley Moore, wish for Will Farrell all you want, but you’d better not pout and you’d better not cry: Santa Claus is coming to town.